alot of you noticed i've not really been around as much lately. some of you ( like 2 or three know why...and of those 3 maybe one knows the whole story)

time to get it off my chest. time to accept what is, and what will be.

a recap of the last 2 months....

1. the new position i had taken on the first of feb. was working out. i was finally getting used to working, and living during normal business hours. my old overnight management position was still open, but i felt good. no need to run back...i was beginning to believe that it was good to be outside my comfort zone. Experience new things. New lessons.
Something nagged though...from the moment i accepted the position...something was wrong...too good to be true..a minor pay cut to work as a day manager, and department head.
2. About the first of March i realized the true scope of what i was into....the shock of going from working overnights for 3 years, and being handed a shiny new job had lost their luster, and i began to get minor panic attacks ( literally) as realization began dawning...there was NO way one man could do the job...things slowly began slipping..but sales were up...conditions good....but in my head...realizing the entirety of what was expected started accepting i'd have to think about a different position...and fast...my old position was still open at this point...maybe you COULD go home...
3. the same week i was having my second thoughts i came home exhausted...see...my drinking's gone from bad to scary...it allowed me to adapt to a new circadian rythm...but at that point...i just wanted to have a bath...eat my cheese, and have my 5 beers, and my book...then to wake up, and do it all over.
my wife had been at the doctor that day...i asked if i could take a bath...she told me to sit down first. i opened a beer...her past medical history...now over a decade past came rushing back...i knew it was bad news....she NEVER sits me down..unless someone's died.

4. Or someone's going to be born.

i am going to be a father.

i think i'm still having trouble accepting that fact..i mean...wow!...
always knew i wanted 2 kids...she knew for almost 2 months ( just a few days after i started my new position, actually)..but she didn’t say anthing because she knows I worry needlessly about everything.

i'm going to be a father.
she's going to be a mother.

4.5 My old job was filled by someone who worked for me a year ago…no way back now.

5. i began trying to quit drinking the next few days...but found it harder than i remembered ( those who don't know..i basically had my first drink at 20.5, and never stopped til 30years old...quit my job, moved, and got sober for almost 2 years)..but this time it seems different...things at work suddenly started going really bad. i was written up.....told help was going to be given....but..um...no..
no help when I begged for it. I began to think someone wanted me out. ..hell…I’VE gotten people to quit using similar tactics….so suddenly i was being called into the manager's office, and turning beat red, and literally sweating...always something suddenly wrong. Always another write up...then a day of comfort, and inspiration from my store manager...then another day of wtf's...and being written up...

the worst was one day a few days before our inventory the situation that was causing all the negative attention in my department was being solved by a janitor washing the shit outside behind our disposal unit, with a garden hose, and on the concrete...at the end of a 14 hour day trying to rectify the damage, I threw my hands up. I needed a drink. I had to be back in less than 8 hours.

5.5...through all the hell at work...well..it was decided we needed to get out of the apartment...so my wife contacted a realtor. .i expected to be laughed out of the office....instead we were offered a loan for a mortgage 4x what i thought we could get...so the search for a house began...this added stress at work as well...
a few disappointments, and offers denied. We were about to give up..the realtor said 'one more" as we walked into the place i noticed a sign in the lawn.."sold" i asked about that...turns out the house WAS sold, but the buyer lost his job a few days later, and couldn't afford it....it was. is. perfect...sprawling finished basement..2 freaking kilns..odd passages...hidden compartments...somewhere i could put a nifty greenhouse....we’d made several offers on several other houses that would have been less…so there was no way we’d get this one..we probably couldn’t afford it anyhow…

our offer was accepted.
we got the mortgage, and the house....

i was worried about payments at this point, but if my wife was sure we could/can handle them...groovy...i’m not used to saving money..i can run through 600$a week..and struggle to give 500$ for my half of rent at the end of the month…give me 2,500 a month, and I’ll have about 400 at the end…with jack shit to show for it…

6. a few days later i was ( as usual ) late for work...i was pulled over for running a red-light in a school zone...i KNOW i reeked of the burning off beers from the night prior, and thought this is it...it's all gone wrone...i'm going to jail....the police asked for license, and registration...had the license...registration came out of a glove box spilling horded coins...and a random sock LOL ( miss sue, i know you're STILL laughing)..
but no insurance card...i called my wife...apparently she told me about it, and told me where it was...but i just forgot all about it..the card was on the dresser. Had been there for 2 moths..
at this point I’m terrified...panicked...the officer returns...i blurt out about being late for work...that my wife's pregnant...he hands me a ticket...telling me to take it to court..i just about pass out...he then smiles and says" you are so stressed...that's natural...you're wife's pregnant..man, that can be stressful...i'm just giving you this as a warning...slow down at the light. Especially in a school zone...you could have gotten a few days in jail for this...not to mention not having all your info with you, and that could have been several thousand dollars in fines...slow down, get organized, and try to relax"

my parents paid the small warning fine for me….they thought I was spiraling into breakdown mode.

7. i went to work the next day..i was supposed to be in charge of the store that day...but my immediate manager was there...i told my store manager we got the house..he smiled, and said...well typical things.. then went to his meeting for the day .i've worked in several stores for several years for this man....2 days prior he was giving me house hunting tips, joking about the baby cause he KNOWS i'm freaked out...and enjoys seeing me get frantic before calming me down again...wind up stitchpuller, for your cruel humor*tm patent pending... then he came back. He NEVER does that after out-of-store meetings…..

at the end of my shift i was sat down in the office. i knew something was wrong...my immediate was holding herself funny..kinda like i held MYSELF when i was asked to do something brutal to one of MY men, and had no choice in the matter.

i was reassigned.
out of their hands.
Demoted.
i almost fell out of my chair..i've worked for 18 years, and never been counseled...let alone fucking demoted...
"i just told you today we got the house this morning…....the baby....what's going to happen to me?.......
i can't believe this"

turns out the district manager wanted me fired ( for shit that was there before i took the job...) but my store manager knows i've gone to the point and back time and time again for him, and knows the district manager's retiring in december. Took pity on me I suppose ( or if I allow paranoid thinking…I was warned against this position by him last year this time…then he gets moved to the store, and realizes it’s an impossible assignment…hopes against hope I can fix it…cause I always fixed shit for him before…then like the good soldier sent into combat , falls…and he pulls me out putting me in a position he knew he needed filled anyhow….)

he made me a devil's bargain...refuse to sign these write ups, be suspended, and work on your resume...or...be a floating grocery associate...a floating grocery manager..$ .50 an hour less..”.but keep your overall job, keep the relief manager pay, and status, stay intergral to the team, and december, when bob retires, we'll find somewhere to move you forward..we just don’t understand why you couldn’t handle the position…it makes no sense” ( I’ve been warning them for 2 months…now noone’s there…orders aren’t getting filled…I found a pallet of dairy goods in the back room 2 days out of refrigeration…the very managers who thought iu was mad because I claimed deliveries were arriving off schedule were shocked…”.maybe he WAS right all along. “
. I smiled for the first time in 2 weeks.
for 50 cents an hour less…with so much less pressure.. I took the offer.
And I’s so demoralizing.
All other departments feel bad…they knew I didn’t stand a chance…they know about the huge changes in my life…
Most have offered to take me in, but when I tell them my pay rate, they can’t afford me..
So I’m a ghost until December..a 4 am shift…floating where needed…


i bagged groceries for the first time in my fucking life a week ago.

i worked 12:30 pm- 9 pm ....and had to go BACK 3 hours later for a ten hour shift.

in less than a week...we're breaking the lease here at the apartment...and settling on a closing date for the house...
but if anthing worse happens at work..i LOOSE the job...and can't afford a mortgage...

…well...we'd be homeless....

house.
baby

Should be the best time of my life, but it's almost the darkest night of my soul.



maybe the 2 teeth that had fillings fall out back in december have rotten...and i'm slowly going mad from blood poisoning...or i died, and this is hell...a beautiful carrot dangled in front of a dumb horse....


That was all until this morning....when i was driving to get my beer...and a giant...?vulture?...biggest fucking bird i've ever seen here...just perched along the road watching...

i think i get it.
it's a test.
every other test i pass..but come out more cynical, and less likely to believe in good things...even when they happen...cause it won't last..

but i have been wrong-headed about this all from the beginning. i self-sabotage.
i'm not cursed.
god doesn't hate me.
i am not loosing my mind.
i simply self-destruct because i'm fucking terrified of being happy.

even if that happines lasts 1 minute...it's one positive moment put out into the universe...so instead i wallow, fear, panic, and cause terrible self-fulfilling prophecies of damnation, and catastrophe...

so i put this out...both as an explanation...
and an acceptance letter to the ether at large.
one more tragedy, or blow to the face, stomach, or knife in the gut, and back...i'll simply shatter.
i'll break, and nothing will remain...

everything...jobs...houses...living arrangements...i'm on the razor's edge...

hope i can walk it this final...and more pressure filled than ever before period, and come out uncut.

Perhaps I’m being taught this crucial lesson, so I’ll be able to pas sit on one day, when my child needs assurance that it’ll all work out. Everything’ll be ok.



and i'll probably delete this whole journal...
maybe not...
maybe in a year's time i'll look back and be amazed at how i was so blind that i only saw the horrific, and not all the beauty...



and miss sue...thank you...seriously...whatever shred of sanity i still have, i owe to you...even when you didn't mean to, making me giggle...

and that's the key i've been searching for for years.

Laughter in the face of it all.







i need to figure out how to put that last.fm thinger into my journals. it'd spruce the place up a bit. or clutter it.

thank you to anyone who actually had the patience to read all of that ...it's been the most profound 2 months of my life. for those of you who know me best, you know those are strong words...